- by vegas2009 Feb 15What makes a romantic relationship work? When was the last time that you had one? If you were to rate it - would you say that it was: serious, not so serious, kinda serious or not sure. Why is it that it is so hard to even start it, especially if you hadn't had one for a long time? AND, it doesn't matter whether you think it will go somewhere or nowhere?
Also, why is it that it is easy for others to start a relationship, but for some -- it's like getting a root canal?
Is there someone that you really want to call and you've thought about calling a hundred times or more (you've lost count already!), and for each time -- your heart just skips a beat or two, before you even dial the number?
Today is Valentine's day, I'm not sad that I'm not with anyone. But, I think I'm like this because I don't quite remember how and what it was like any longer. Sometimes, I think I've gotten too cynical with life that I rarely think about things of this nature anymore.
For those of you who know, does life get any better with age? Not just with romantic relationships, but with all relationships. Life in general?
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- Feb 15 by aknottedyarnThought provoking. Individual words are forming in my head.
Willingness, sharing, comfort, honesty, open, considerate, use of kinder words when harsher come to the tongue, tolerance, acceptance, knowledge of self, trust
Is it easier with age? possibly. Some of us gain wisdom with age. Perhaps our expectations are different. We don't expect the knight on the white horse anymore. We want real.
I have been fortunate. After a terrible marriage when too young, I married my soul mate. After not enough years together, he died. I was sure I was doomed to be alone. I met a man. The way I described it when we started living together was "comfortable". In time our love has grown and we are so happy together. He has no great white horse, he has a beautiful heart.
Each day I am reminded of the uncertainy of life. I never expected my soul mate to leave me, even through death. Perhaps the SO now will go through many changes. i am not afraid to go through them together.
- Feb 15 by tewdlesThis has helped me survive a 35+ year marriage...
remember that love is a verb...take action
there is always time for a hug...
be quick to apologize
take pleasure in the moments when he IS right
- Feb 16 by StudentEtc.I think love and relationships do get better with age... My better half and I have been together for more than six years. To some people, this is a lifetime, and to others it is a nanosecond on a timeline. She is my whole world, but I will tell you that for me, relationships were in the root canal category, like you. (but **I** NEVER wanted marriage. Never wanted kids. Never, ever, ever wanted to settle down and get a real job, like nursing). But, alas, you will find yourself in a cliche of strange connections and time/space wrinkles, and BAM! You will meet someone you'll possibly never want to let go of. Then, as time goes on, you'll want to let go of him every now and then. And kick him out, maybe, but I digress....
- Feb 17 by nursefrancesI met my husband at the age of 17. I am now 40 and we have been married 21 years. He is my best friend and we fall more in love every day. I think what we have is special and kind of rare in my age group. Most of our friends from high school are divorced or separated.
For people I know who have trouble with relationships and seem to repeat the same bad endings: trust and the lack of it, fear of commitment, fear of being hurt (again), growing up in a family who also had these fear of trust and commitment issues.
Relationships are interesting because you have two individuals who are players in the game of love and life. Success depends on the actions and reactions of these two people as they interact with each other and others. I find this interesting and complex.
Some things we keep in mind when it comes to our marriage (me and my hubby, our personal beliefs, these work for us):
1. God and Jesus in the middle...... Hubby Jesus Me
2. Don't go to bed angry, it gets buried deep and comes back to bite you
3. Mutual respect: we don't ever yell at, cuss at each other, or call each other names. Even if you say sorry afterwards, it still hurts
4. He is my best friend, we laugh, we have fun together, we go on dates, even simple ones like going get coffee, or breakfast
5. Never say the word "DIVORCE" lightly, it's not something to throw around when angry
6. (This one is not personal but....) Once I heard a radio host say the 3 things men need to stay happy in a marriage:
Respect, Food, and (blush) sex (I think this was from Dr Laura's book)
7. In regards to #6, Intimacy. And the importance of respecting your intimacy. In other words no talking about your sex life with friends, coworkers.
8. Only having eyes for your mate. This is me, but I don't flirt, look at other guys, etc. Guess I'm a little old fashioned.
I am sure there are more ideas but I can't think of them right now.Last edit by nursefrances on Feb 18 : Reason: Thought of more to write
- Feb 18 by tewdlesas for flirting....I think it depends upon the relationship and the people.
I love when my spouse flirts with other women or they flirt with him...but I am a pretty confident person and I don't find that at all threatening.
It really boosts his ego and makes him feel "manly" and attractive. I LOVE that part!
And, I am confident that his carnal thoughts focus on me...
- Feb 18 by leslie :-Dmy husband too, has been labeled an incorrigible flirt.
i don't necessarily agree, because if he is, he is equally as "flirtatious" with the men, too.
ed is just normally open and all embracing...and women DO flock to him, i'll tell you that.
still, being married 25 yrs, i think we have both grown past various stages and are finally and completely a very close couple.
ed has a bear-sized heart and is always doing for others.
it is a comfortable, trusting, and continually evolving relationship.
he is my soul mate and plan to be with him for eternity.
it's important to truly like your partner...
and focus on the good vs the negative.
try not to take ea other for granted, and stay committed to loving ea other...and however that plays out.
i personally do go to bed angry sometimes but always feel 100% better in the morning.
absolutely agree with no name-calling, fighting unfairly/hitting below belt.
stick to subject at hand, and don't bring up a zillion other hurts.
some things we just have to let go and let it be.
i had lung ca in 2010 and ed's world literally fell apart.
even though i have always known how much he loves me, that was yet another reminder.
cherish the love.
true love is a gift and a blessing.
nurture it, live it, and spread it....
married or otherwise.
- Feb 18 by somenursesuch an honest thread, all the posts are so good!I love almost all of the many factors already listed above. Great stuff!
I think it helps if the person entering into the relationship is already a happy person. If someone is generally a disgruntled or chronically depressed person, once the infatuation phase wears off, there's a good chance that person would default back to resuming being a chronically depressed person again, sooner or later.
still, those kinds of people can have satsfying LTRs, but i think one's chance of having a happy relationship is increased, if the people entering into it, are basically happy people by nature.
It helps if you have same priorities and goals as each other, and it is more fun, imo, if you have some mutual interests to share, and it helps if the people know how to forgive and move on, if they do hit a chuckhole (you will). Some people seem to have a better ability to love fully, than others do, imo.
One can lose their appetite for love, as the OP sorta/kinda sounds like this might be something she is experiencing. I think many of our appetites, be it for companionship, food, sex, learning, whatever,
sometimes, we have to push ourselves a bit now and then, as some appetites seem to do better when regularly fed. this might be true of dating, too.
If one withdraws off the social circle, one can end up replacing some things or losing the urge for them entirely.
Certainly, some people do need a break now and then. I once heard someone say, referring to not wanting to date,
"It's hard to want a 7 course meal, when you've just thrown up"
but, if one has healed again, i say, get back up on the horse, if that is what you want!
(not that single folks can't be totally happy just as they are, too, not my point, but, if you do want a sweetie, go for it)
so far meeting people, i am all "for" people persuing others actively. For real, it's lovely idea "if you are not looking, that is when love arrives" but, i think it is okay to actively look. Ask pals to hook you up, join various groups that you are interested in, do volunteer work in causes you care about, say hello first,
try one of those online matchmaker things,
only meet in public,(NOT your home, you meet him in public)
for lunch only, for first meeting(s). Lunch is cheaper, faster, and if you set down for dinner and immediately realize, this person is not a good match for me, oh wow, long evening. NO 'evening' first dates, imo, if this is a stranger to you.
also, i am super liberal, super progressive type of person, but, i think some people do better if they don't include sex as part of "how do you do". For real, many women, and some men, after sex, begin to overly invest, and believe "we are a couple"
when the other person is thinking "that was nice, where is the remote.." People jump into bed too fast, imo. Yes, yes, some couples still do well, evne though they have sex right off the bat, but, i think there can be long list of benefits to falling in love FIRST, and THEN having sex.
Infatuation is not the same thing as love, love requires deep knowledge of the other person, flaws and all, and infatuation can be instant. Love is secure, infatuation is heady, sometimes anxiety-producing roller coaster feeling, veyr thrilling. anyway, the two emotions are often mistaken for each other.
It's good thing to know the difference. Infatuation can lead to love, but, it is not quite the same thing as love.
I think waiting to get know someone first, very very welll, has all kinds of perks, too many to list almost. It also reduces your chance of getting a broken heart, imo. You invest a little bit less, if you keep one foot on the floor emotionally, and for some humans, they are then a lil less vulnerable to assume the relationship is more mutual than it really is.
I feel dating is kinda like driving....the slower you go, the less chance of having a terrible accident.
oh, you can still feel all the joys and thrills, but, take it slooow....invest slowly. Get to really know this new person. Just reduces your risk to your heart, imo. It's better to find out he is chronic cheater or gambler or whatever, before you have handed over your heart. imo. Many people tend to hand over their heart, when they have sex. so waiting til you really know the person well, might be good idea.
to the OPs other questions:
Dating as older person, you can still get the butterflies and can still feel 17 all over again. Some things are just the same as when you were young.
but I think advantages we can have as mature people include
we often are far more aware of what we want or don't want
we might be less likely to invest in someone just because they are cute. (some of us can let cute matter as a more important factor when we are young)
we know who we are by now. We enter as fully developed, self aware people.
some older people can enjoy being in a child-free couple thing, which can be fun, as parenthood can be draining sometimes.
i also think relationships take work and prioritizing, now and then, to keep it healthy. I think you BOTH have to want it.
good luck, hope anything here helps you, OP!!
- Feb 18 by tewdlesoh les,
yes our dear husbands suffer when we are ill and frail.
We are survivors, you and I.
- Feb 18 by traumaRUsI've been married almost 33 years and my thoughts are that personally, its all about humor. Humor has gotten us thru a lot. Even now, although we have lived separately for almost 5 years now, we are closer than ever.
We are not soul mates, we are not mushy people, we are however, very steady and sincere in our love for each other.