Infatuation/Lust vs Love/Commitment

  1. 1
    Hey,

    So, I have an older brother that I love dearly. I don't want to see him get hurt and I want to see him happy. He's good with his career and now, he wants to find a girl to settle down with. I understand that. But, he's a tad on the desperate side. He tends to meet girls online (as opposed to meeting them at an actual place first), he buys them very expensive gifts right off, talks to them constantly, and then, thinks it's love after a month. The girl he is with now...I don't know her, I have seen her on video messaging, but he has only known her a month. They're talking marriage. He is willing to change his plans that he talked about for a while, to stay where he lives.

    Like I said, I want him to be happy. I want him to find a girl that genuinely loves him for him, not money. But, I think he is moving way too fast. I wish he would slow down. I think he is infatuated and obsessed with her...how do you love someone after a month?
    BostonTerrierLoverRN likes this.
  2. Get our hottest nursing topics delivered to your inbox.

  3. 11 Comments so far...

  4. 0
    I sooo whole heartedly agree with you,
    wayyyyyyyyy too many people mistake infatuation for love.

    It's two different things, as you know, but, lotsa ppl don't seem able to sort it out...infatuation can LEAD to love, can grow into love,
    but,
    in many ways, the two things---infatuation, and love,
    are almost opposite.

    INfatuation is extremely thrilling, kinda insecure, requires steady feedback from other person that the feeling is reciprocated, and it's zoom zoom zoom, full speed ahead, they almost can't bear to be apart, and like you said, they DON'T really KNOW each other well..

    and love is way more secure...and they DO know each other well, flaws and all, and still love each other. LOng list of ways the two things are so opposite.

    I see your point about your brother, hope it shakes out okay, not sure if he can listen to you encourage him to slooowww it dowwwn a bit, cuz yeah,
    DAting is kinda like driving,
    the chances of something really bad happening gets reduced
    when you go slow.

    SURE HOPE YOU ARE ABLE TO HELP YOUR BROTHER slow it down. I'm so on your side on this. Or maybe, if there is some relative he does respect, maybe that relative can back you up or help brother slow down the mad dash for the alter. Love waits, there's no hurry.

    How old is the brother?
    Is he small enough you can lock him into the basement or anything? j/k.
    but,
    in the end,
    we can't really control those we love, all we can do is try to help 'em see the bigger picture,
    but, i so hear you on this, sure hate to see a young person going right over a cliff. MARRIAGE after only a month is risky idea. It takes wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more than a month to really know someone. Sooner or later someone will post, they ran straight into marriage, and it all worked out,
    but,
    stats are against that working out well. Stats are against super young ppl getting married.

    good luck there!!
  5. 2
    We (meaning him, my family and I) have been down this road before. He has done this before--dated like 6 months or so and popped the question to the girl he was seeing at the time. She said yes because she wanted to go to Disneyworld. He took her as an engagement gift for both of them. Once the trip was over and it was time to plan a wedding (they take many months to plan), she dumped him and told him that she didn't love him and never loved him. He was lucky that he got the ring back and it was within a time frame for returning, so he returned it. He got his money back (most of it anyway).

    Now he is doing the same thing. Once is a mistake, twice you've got a problem. I have tried talking to him and he tells me "WML, get a boyfriend." He thinks I am jealous. I don't have time for a significant other right now. I want a career, a successful career. Then, after that, I can find someone and date a couple years and then, if I really love them, we can get married.

    I don't want to jump into anything. I want a best friend in any significant other I have, then a a lover.

    I want the best for my brother and I wish that he would realize that. I am not jealous (I get quite a few offers for dating/going out and turn them down. Just not ready for that in my life.)
  6. 1
    Quote from wish_me_luck
    We (meaning him, my family and I) have been down this road before. He has done this before--dated like 6 months or so and popped the question to the girl he was seeing at the time. She said yes because she wanted to go to Disneyworld. He took her as an engagement gift for both of them. Once the trip was over and it was time to plan a wedding (they take many months to plan), she dumped him and told him that she didn't love him and never loved him. He was lucky that he got the ring back and it was within a time frame for returning, so he returned it. He got his money back (most of it anyway).

    Now he is doing the same thing. Once is a mistake, twice you've got a problem. I have tried talking to him and he tells me "WML, get a boyfriend." He thinks I am jealous. I don't have time for a significant other right now. I want a career, a successful career. Then, after that, I can find someone and date a couple years and then, if I really love them, we can get married.

    I don't want to jump into anything. I want a best friend in any significant other I have, then a a lover.

    I want the best for my brother and I wish that he would realize that. I am not jealous (I get quite a few offers for dating/going out and turn them down. Just not ready for that in my life.)


    Oh, i so agree with your ideas, completely. It's a shame your brother interprets your very valid, very very sensible, and very caring concern as "jealousy". NOthing your wrote here smacked of that, at all. Your ideas make total sense.

    well, it sounds like you are trying, i so hear you on this,
    and would feel same concern your do about this. Your brother is not especially unique in this "oh, i've known her a month and want to get married" kinda thing, there's a lot of that going on out there......

    hopefully,
    they will slow down as they begin to calculate up costs, etc.
    ...who knows, maybe HER family will also be horrified to see 2 ppl who just met recently rushing off to get married...and maybe they can help her slow it down...guess we can hope for that, anyway.


    don't know what else you can try, but, good luck. Maybe look around for an ally he respects that he won't suspect is "jealous"
    or wonder if there is some pre-marital classes or counseling to help couples who are rushing in tooo fast, get ideas to consider....? like the idea "Waiting to at least get to KNOW someone prior to signing a legal contract with them, is good idea."
    BostonTerrierLoverRN likes this.
  7. 2
    Get him this book asap.

    BARNES & NOBLE | Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives by Laura Schlessinger | NOOK Book (eBook), Paperback, Hardcover, Audiobook

    Stupid Chivalry
    By getting involved with the wrong woman (weak, flaky, damaged, needy, desperate, stupid, untrustworthy, immature, etc.) you think that your love will save/transform her


    It takes a couple of years of dating to get to know the real person. Granted there may be tiny exceptions to the rule but you shouldn't make life decisions bases on the exceptions. Of course, it might be impossible for you to convince so just send him the book anonymously.
  8. 2
    Being just after a divorce may make my opinion mute and weightless. I wanted to add that he may be experiencing intense loneliness that feels somewhat offset by these "online" relationships. I won't lie that there are not some nights a tear rolls down even now(thinking of better times), but I have really thought myself about eHarmony or (no laughs) ChristianMingle. I live in area where it is so hard to meet single women, and I am socially stupid (night clubs, etc.).

    I know it may seem "desperate," but I would rather have an interested female on the monitor- than lie in bed watching movies with old memories driving me insane from the last 10 years I spent with a woman who was also my best friend(I thought) I can't imagine anything you can say to protect his heart and have him develop a local relationship. I can just identify with him and what he's feeling. I can also identify with what your feeling too. Love and seeking Love is the hardest thing I think a person goes through in life. I hope he finds "the one" soon- and is able to have a more traditional relationship. I didn't have a sister, but I would imagine your opinions weigh much heavier in his mind than he would EVER let on- and lastly, he is the only one that can guard his heart.

    "Experience is a cruel teacher, but you will learn, Oh God will you learn!"
    -C.S. Lewis
    sharpeimom and aknottedyarn like this.
  9. 1
    BTL, your opinion was worth a lot. The perspective of the male. I know he gets lonely. I just don't want the void filled with someone who uses him. He tends to put himself out there as someone who has money. I don't think it's bad to want to buy a girl something, but sometimes, it's too much, too soon and way too expensive. The flowers were thoughtful, the dinner was nice, the necklace...the necklace was way too expensive. It was not costume jewelry. It was an expensive jewelry store necklace. I won't disclose how much he paid, but it was way too much. This is a different girl than the Disneyworld trip girl (that girl is an ex.)

    I want him to have genuine companionship--both friends and a lover. I think he needs to figure out what he likes to do and go find a group to hang out with. Like a hobby group or something. He does spend a lot of time at work and he says that's part of the reason he doesn't go out much, meet girls, and sticks to the internet thing.

    I am sure you can find love online. But, slowly. He's met this girl--they live like 45 to an hr apart. But, he was also discussing going and getting a degree in a certain field from a school in VA. That would require him moving. He is willing to totally throw it away for someone he doesn't really know. If it turns into a couple of years or something and the feelings are the same, then I think he may have found true love. But, not a month.

    It's just the two of us. So, I am slightly overprotective, I guess, even if I am his younger sister.
    BostonTerrierLoverRN likes this.
  10. 0
    I think he's very blessed to have you as a sister. Different people have different "Love Languages." When I read the book on "Love Languages" it became so clear to me that people who had never spoken the words, "I Love You," had said it millions of times throughout my life. Some express love through service, and learning your favorite meal and cooking it when you come. Some are gifted with verbalizing their feelings. Others are gift givers and express by buying things they think you'd like. There are so many love languages, and ways to express it. I would imagine Gift Givers are taken advantage of more so than others. Many people have a more than one love language.

    I think I'm service and gift. I loved surprising my ex with gifts and "prizes" during our marriage. I cooked our meals, and had her favorite recipes memorized. I knew the preferred temp of her bubble-bath when she got home from work(the one year she worked) and heated the water a little extra so there'd be time for a foot rub to catch up on her day. When she dried off, supper was served- I worked nights- so I had to get up early if I was going to get to see her.

    I should have noticed that I couldn't tell you what hers was, earlier- but,...

    Dr. Seuss says, "Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened."

    I learned a lot and matured years ahead of my time being married young- and it is part of who I am. Sometimes I get an adrenaline rush, and think I've lost my ring when I feel it missing. Then I remember the "right one" is out there, and we will cross paths when the time is right. I believe that- and so I go on.

    He'll eventually find his way- but until then, he's got an Awesome Sister who has his back- and more importantly- a female perspective to clarify reality, that we men sometimes drift from
    Last edit by BostonTerrierLoverRN on Jan 7, '13
  11. 0
    Here in the South when a couple breaks up, the female usually gives back rings, necklaces, and other jewelry upon the breaking up of the relationship(if it doesn't get thrown across the trailer park) Hahaha!

    -p.s. w_m_l, your inbox is full
  12. 0
    ok, thanks. I will clear it.


Top