I’m not much of a “Dear Abby” but here are my 2 cents..
- I don’t believe that your wife will end this relationship/or not stray elsewhere.
- I don’t think retaliatory cheating leads to anything constructive.
- I think that you need to come up with a plan of action to ensure happiness and stability for yourself and your children.
Long, slightly preachy version:
It’s obvious that your wife has hurt you and that her actions have eroded the foundation of trust I believe is essential in a successful marriage/relationship. This has been going on for four years or more. Why
has it been going on for such a long period of time? I think that’s a question you need to ask yourself. I believe that the choices we make are often based on the reward we get from that choice. That motivation/reward might not always be positive or healthy.
You repeatedly mention having an affair of your own.
I tried to repair the marriage and forgive her but I finally said two could play that game and I began an emotional relationship with someone at work...who I promptly told my wife about.
My wife has stated she is concerned with me entering the nursing field and being around beautiful nurses and cheating on her...the idea makes her sick to her stomach. she actually stated she doesn't know if she could accept me cheating on her to "even the score".
I'm going to have to decide if I want to continue this marriage, if I CAN continue this marriage, if I can continue the marriage without enacting my own revenge by having an affair of my own
why should she be the only one able to play and just have it accepted by her spouse!?
Are you hurt that she has betrayed your trust or do you harbor a longing for the freedom to engage in “extracurricular” activities yourself? I’m getting mixed signals. You of course have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. However, I don’t understand why you think that more hurt and betrayal could be a successful recipe for salvaging an already strained marriage? It’s human to fantasize about payback when we’ve been wronged but I’m convinced no good will come out of it.
How would a typical hospital handle this
situation if it was brought to their attention that two managers have been
carrying on an illicit affair for the better part of 4 years on and off duty,
in their office, and that he has done it at least twice before with
subordinates, and the fact my wife was his subordinate when it started between them?
I have no idea how “a typical hospital” would handle this situation if they were informed about the events that have taken place. I don’t understand why you should consider informing them either. What would be your motivation? What good would come out of it? How would it affect your children?
If it were me I would focus my energy on taking care of myself. If you believe in the viability of your marriage then you as a couple need to take the necessary steps to reestablish trust and mend what at the present seems to be a dysfunctional relationship.
I believe that you both would need professional guidance/counseling and I don’t think that it would be easy. If you are both motivated to make this work I don’t think it’s possible for your wife to keep working closely with the other man. One of them (probably your wife) would have to find another place to work.
I learned upon returning from this vacation and my secondary trip that she had been sexting this guy and they had planned for him to join her on the vacation to have sex while I was out of state.
did you learn this? Did you ask? Did she volunteer the information? I don't understand why you keep doing this dance?
She has now admitted to sleeping with the guy in their office while at work and on the clock while he was her boss, in our bed, at a hotel, at his house, numerous makeout and groping sessions in their shared office while co-managers, and a number of oral sessions also...
It seems like you've discussed the various encounters in detail. I assume oral isn't in reference to conversation?
Is this really beneficial for either one of you?
my wife, through skilled manipulation on my part, admitted the relationship had been sexual
I don’t think that this has a place in a healthy relationship. It’s natural not to trust someone when you’ve been previously betrayed by that someone. But I believe that you get to a point where you either
forgive and trust again or
decide that you can’t accept the other person’s behavior and that you don’t trust them and then you end that relationship. You don’t stay and keep picking away at that scab. That way the wound never heals.
Personally I would not have stayed this long in a relationship like the one you describe. But I’m not you so what I would or wouldn’t do is of little importance.
I understand that you’re concerned for the well-being of your children and that you want to be present in their lives. I personally believe that children are better off with two happy parents who do not share a life or live in the same house than with two parents staying together and living in disharmony, drama, distrust and constant arguing (if that accurately describes your current situation?).
Whichever way you decide I think that you owe it to yourself and
to your children to take the steps necessary to make you happy and content with your life. You deserve to be happy and your children deserve a happy father. You can’t change your wife or the choices she makes. Only she can do that. You can only make decisions for you
and change your behavior. Should you decide to separate I strongly believe that it's in the children's best interest to keep it amicable. I hope that everything turns out good for you.