how to handle a cheating wife/RN

  1. 0
    I don't know if this is an appropriate forum for this topic, but only other nurses may know how I feel. I've known my wife, who is an RN, for 24 years...since we were 12. She is my best friend, and one heck of a nurse. In 2010 I found out she was having some type of relationship with her then shift manager. she said it was just an emotional relationship and she was sorry, but for about 6 months she couldn't commit to our marriage and wasn't sure how deep her feelings for him were. I tried to repair the marriage and forgive her but I finally said two could play that game and I began an emotional relationship with someone at work...who I promptly told my wife about. She became insanely jealous and wanted our marriage, and our family back...as we had a 3 year old daughter at the time. Last December I graduated from the nursing program, and 6 days before, my wife, through skilled manipulation on my part, admitted the relationship had been sexual, in our bed, while I was on a trip out of state. almost 3 years had passed so I figured what the heck we are in a good place...I'm not going to make a big deal of this. now she was a manager herself, and over this entire time period she continued working with this guy. I really thought I bent over backwards forgiving her and having the confidence in our marriage to be perfectly fine with her continuing to work with him and share a managers office with him without being jealous or nervous. We went on vacation to celebrate my graduation and I had an unexpected trip out of state that I had to plan for the middle of our vacation. I learned upon returning from this vacation and my secondary trip that she had been sexting this guy and they had planned for him to join her on the vacation to have sex while I was out of state. it didn't materialize but they were trying to make it happen. While discussing this new and utterly unbelievable development she admitted to sleeping with the man in 2011, and again in 2012 while I was at home with our kids..we now have 3. She has now admitted to sleeping with the guy in their office while at work and on the clock while he was her boss, in our bed, at a hotel, at his house, numerous makeout and groping sessions in their shared office while co-managers, and a number of oral sessions also...at least one that was in the office during work. She swears she is done with him and doesn't understand why she was willing to risk our marriage all this time, but our family and our relationship is more important to her. I sent this man a message stating if he ever did anything with my wife or even texted her I would contact their department head, HR, the CNO and CEO of the hospital, and let them know of this relationship and at least 2 other relationships my wife has told me he has had with married subordinates while he was managing them. This man has a history of trolling his employees for married women who are distraught in their marriage and emotionally vulnerable. I have also told my wife I would implement her along with him as well as this is the final straw. I love my kids and I don't want them growing up in a home without me and we live in a no fault state meaning my wife could sleep with 100 men and still keep the kids as she is a wonderful mother. My wife has stated she is concerned with me entering the nursing field and being around beautiful nurses and cheating on her...the idea makes her sick to her stomach. She wants me to forgive her and for us to move past this and for it to make us stronger, yet turnabout is not fair play to her. she actually stated she doesn't know if she could accept me cheating on her to "even the score". I told her I have forgiven her for this relationship twice before and now she is asking for me to do it again after she revealed to me all these other sexual encounters with him and admitted to makeout and groping sessions throughout my last semester in the nursing program, but apparently NO sexual encounters....I'm finding it hard to believe but then again does it make it any worse then it is already? How would a typical hospital handle this situation if it was brought to their attention that two managers have been carrying on an allicit affair for the better part of 4 years on and off duty, in their office, and that he has done it at least twice before with subordinates, and the fact my wife was his subordinate when it started between them? Would it be dealt with or would a hospital even care about this? The fact is over the next few months I'm going to have to decide if I want to continue this marriage, if I CAN continue this marriage, if I can continue the marriage without enacting my own revenge by having an affair of my own (because lets face it...she's had an occasional lover for the past 4 years! why should she be the only one able to play and just have it accepted by her spouse!?) emotionally I'm devastated not by the affair itself, but by the callous way she has repeatedly jeapordized our marriage through her own selfishness, and even in the face of all this tries to come up with little lame excuses as to why she did it...like telling me last night she was mad at me for losing my wedding ring at the beach a few years ago; for which I promptly pointed out the $8,000 wedding ring set I bought her to signify our love and commitment for one another has literally held this mans %$#$ many times over the last four or more years!!! Please tell me all you professional nurses.....what recourse do I have with regard to their work if I ever felt I needed to pursue it?
  2. Get the Hottest Nursing Topics Straight to Your Inbox!

  3. 1,386 Visits
    Find Similar Topics
  4. 25 Comments so far...

  5. 1
    Quote from duplicitlyduped
    I don't know if this is an appropriate forum for this topic, but only other nurses may know how I feel. I've known my wife, who is an RN, for 24 years...since we were 12. She is my best friend, and one heck of a nurse. In 2010 I found out she was having some type of relationship with her then shift manager. she said it was just an emotional relationship and she was sorry, but for about 6 months she couldn't commit to our marriage and wasn't sure how deep her feelings for him were. I tried to repair the marriage and forgive her but I finally said two could play that game and I began an emotional relationship with someone at work...who I promptly told my wife about. She became insanely jealous and wanted our marriage, and our family back...as we had a 3 year old daughter at the time. Last December I graduated from the nursing program, and 6 days before, my wife, through skilled manipulation on my part, admitted the relationship had been sexual, in our bed, while I was on a trip out of state. almost 3 years had passed so I figured what the heck we are in a good place...I'm not going to make a big deal of this. now she was a manager herself, and over this entire time period she continued working with this guy. I really thought I bent over backwards forgiving her and having the confidence in our marriage to be perfectly fine with her continuing to work with him and share a managers office with him without being jealous or nervous. We went on vacation to celebrate my graduation and I had an unexpected trip out of state that I had to plan for the middle of our vacation. I learned upon returning from this vacation and my secondary trip that she had been sexting this guy and they had planned for him to join her on the vacation to have sex while I was out of state. it didn't materialize but they were trying to make it happen. While discussing this new and utterly unbelievable development she admitted to sleeping with the man in 2011, and again in 2012 while I was at home with our kids..we now have 3. She has now admitted to sleeping with the guy in their office while at work and on the clock while he was her boss, in our bed, at a hotel, at his house, numerous makeout and groping sessions in their shared office while co-managers, and a number of oral sessions also...at least one that was in the office during work. She swears she is done with him and doesn't understand why she was willing to risk our marriage all this time, but our family and our relationship is more important to her. I sent this man a message stating if he ever did anything with my wife or even texted her I would contact their department head, HR, the CNO and CEO of the hospital, and let them know of this relationship and at least 2 other relationships my wife has told me he has had with married subordinates while he was managing them. This man has a history of trolling his employees for married women who are distraught in their marriage and emotionally vulnerable. I have also told my wife I would implement her along with him as well as this is the final straw. I love my kids and I don't want them growing up in a home without me and we live in a no fault state meaning my wife could sleep with 100 men and still keep the kids as she is a wonderful mother. My wife has stated she is concerned with me entering the nursing field and being around beautiful nurses and cheating on her...the idea makes her sick to her stomach. She wants me to forgive her and for us to move past this and for it to make us stronger, yet turnabout is not fair play to her. she actually stated she doesn't know if she could accept me cheating on her to "even the score". I told her I have forgiven her for this relationship twice before and now she is asking for me to do it again after she revealed to me all these other sexual encounters with him and admitted to makeout and groping sessions throughout my last semester in the nursing program, but apparently NO sexual encounters....I'm finding it hard to believe but then again does it make it any worse then it is already? How would a typical hospital handle this situation if it was brought to their attention that two managers have been carrying on an allicit affair for the better part of 4 years on and off duty, in their office, and that he has done it at least twice before with subordinates, and the fact my wife was his subordinate when it started between them? Would it be dealt with or would a hospital even care about this? The fact is over the next few months I'm going to have to decide if I want to continue this marriage, if I CAN continue this marriage, if I can continue the marriage without enacting my own revenge by having an affair of my own (because lets face it...she's had an occasional lover for the past 4 years! why should she be the only one able to play and just have it accepted by her spouse!?) emotionally I'm devastated not by the affair itself, but by the callous way she has repeatedly jeapordized our marriage through her own selfishness, and even in the face of all this tries to come up with little lame excuses as to why she did it...like telling me last night she was mad at me for losing my wedding ring at the beach a few years ago; for which I promptly pointed out the $8,000 wedding ring set I bought her to signify our love and commitment for one another has literally held this mans %$#$ many times over the last four or more years!!! Please tell me all you professional nurses.....what recourse do I have with regard to their work if I ever felt I needed to pursue it?
    Run away FAST!! this will never end, run!!!!!
    mso819 likes this.
  6. 2
    I don't know what her employer would do, probably fire or suspend both of them.

    I would run away. She is never going to stop. She might quit with the current guy but she will start with another. I know you want to be there for your kids but sometimes it's best for the kids to separate.
    mso819 and Not_A_Hat_Person like this.
  7. 1
    Get tested and run away.

    Sent from my iPhone using allnurses.com
    mso819 likes this.
  8. 1
    Stay married and have as many affairs as you like. After all, she is the one that started it and revenge is sweet.

    Seriously dude, why are you a still with her?
    mso819 likes this.
  9. 3
    I would also consider DNA testing the children.
    mso819, NurseNightOwl, and TheGooch like this.
  10. 0
    I can't imagine what you are going through, and I feel sorry that it is happening to you. Having your trust shattered once is bad enough, but to endure it time and time again is just unacceptable. What she has done is BIG. Neither of you will ever forget it, try as you might. As the other posters said, she will not change. I have to agree. Staying together for the kids really isn't the best for them, as hard as that may be to understand. I wish my parents hadn't stayed together for my brother and I, it was an emotionally painful childhood spent walking on eggshells. Sometimes the best thing for your children is going your separate ways and being better people for them. They would never learn what a healthy relationship looks like if they grow up watching you guys together. I only say this because your wife very likely will continue to do what she is doing and the resentment will grow. Personally I would steer you away from the revenge affair. There will be plenty of time for finding another woman.

    End it, get yourself tested and keep the relationship amicable for the children.
    As for her job, I'm sure they'd both get fired and rightly so.

    Best of luck to you.
  11. 3
    Here is the thing. I cannot read all that because no paragraphs. Cheating spouse is a cheating spouse. Revenge and other messy stuff will only hurt you both and your family in the long run. just get as non-dramatic a divorce as you can while protecting assets. it will not help the kids for either of you to lose your jobs.
    imintrouble, macawake, and mso819 like this.
  12. 0
    It is called having one's cake and eating it too, with a side of I don't want you--but don't want anyone else to have you either. Her manipulation knows no boundries.

    With all that being said, you have no proof but hear-say that any of this occured. Therefore, you could be setting yourself up by stating any of this as fact--for one heck of a slander lawsuit....

    So as much as you may get revenge/satisfaction and the like by dealing both of them their due, just say no.

    My eyes have rolled back in my head so many times reading this....that now they are stuck there. NOW all of a sudden she is all "concerned" that you are going to be working around women....UHHHH....more like you have taken her seat at the lunch table..and invited yourself into her cheating playground(that gives new meaning to the word manager) that is now being invaded by cooties.

    Keep your character, your wife has issues (and I say that on the word that she admitted to all of this, otherwise, it would be just hear-say) that she needs to figure out on her own. Otherwise, let your kids be the priority, don't bad mouth your wife to the kids--and get yourself some therapy--just so that you don't fall into another relationship with manipulative, wacked women.

    I feel for you and wish you nothing but the best.
  13. 0
    I’m not much of a “Dear Abby” but here are my 2 cents..

    Short version:

    1. I don’t believe that your wife will end this relationship/or not stray elsewhere.
    2. I don’t think retaliatory cheating leads to anything constructive.
    3. I think that you need to come up with a plan of action to ensure happiness and stability for yourself and your children.


    Long, slightly preachy version:

    It’s obvious that your wife has hurt you and that her actions have eroded the foundation of trust I believe is essential in a successful marriage/relationship. This has been going on for four years or more. Why has it been going on for such a long period of time? I think that’s a question you need to ask yourself. I believe that the choices we make are often based on the reward we get from that choice. That motivation/reward might not always be positive or healthy.

    You repeatedly mention having an affair of your own.

    I tried to repair the marriage and forgive her but I finally said two could play that game and I began an emotional relationship with someone at work...who I promptly told my wife about.
    My wife has stated she is concerned with me entering the nursing field and being around beautiful nurses and cheating on her...the idea makes her sick to her stomach. she actually stated she doesn't know if she could accept me cheating on her to "even the score".
    I'm going to have to decide if I want to continue this marriage, if I CAN continue this marriage, if I can continue the marriage without enacting my own revenge by having an affair of my own
    why should she be the only one able to play and just have it accepted by her spouse!?
    Are you hurt that she has betrayed your trust or do you harbor a longing for the freedom to engage in “extracurricular” activities yourself? I’m getting mixed signals. You of course have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. However, I don’t understand why you think that more hurt and betrayal could be a successful recipe for salvaging an already strained marriage? It’s human to fantasize about payback when we’ve been wronged but I’m convinced no good will come out of it.

    How would a typical hospital handle this
    situation if it was brought to their attention that two managers have been
    carrying on an illicit affair for the better part of 4 years on and off duty,
    in their office, and that he has done it at least twice before with
    subordinates, and the fact my wife was his subordinate when it started between them
    ?
    I have no idea how “a typical hospital” would handle this situation if they were informed about the events that have taken place. I don’t understand why you should consider informing them either. What would be your motivation? What good would come out of it? How would it affect your children?

    If it were me I would focus my energy on taking care of myself. If you believe in the viability of your marriage then you as a couple need to take the necessary steps to reestablish trust and mend what at the present seems to be a dysfunctional relationship.
    I believe that you both would need professional guidance/counseling and I don’t think that it would be easy. If you are both motivated to make this work I don’t think it’s possible for your wife to keep working closely with the other man. One of them (probably your wife) would have to find another place to work.

    I learned upon returning from this vacation and my secondary trip that she had been sexting this guy and they had planned for him to join her on the vacation to have sex while I was out of state.
    How did you learn this? Did you ask? Did she volunteer the information? I don't understand why you keep doing this dance?

    She has now admitted to sleeping with the guy in their office while at work and on the clock while he was her boss, in our bed, at a hotel, at his house, numerous makeout and groping sessions in their shared office while co-managers, and a number of oral sessions also...
    It seems like you've discussed the various encounters in detail. I assume oral isn't in reference to conversation?
    Is this really beneficial for either one of you?

    my wife, through skilled manipulation on my part, admitted the relationship had been sexual
    I don’t think that this has a place in a healthy relationship. It’s natural not to trust someone when you’ve been previously betrayed by that someone. But I believe that you get to a point where you either forgive and trust again or decide that you can’t accept the other person’s behavior and that you don’t trust them and then you end that relationship. You don’t stay and keep picking away at that scab. That way the wound never heals.

    Personally I would not have stayed this long in a relationship like the one you describe. But I’m not you so what I would or wouldn’t do is of little importance.

    I understand that you’re concerned for the well-being of your children and that you want to be present in their lives. I personally believe that children are better off with two happy parents who do not share a life or live in the same house than with two parents staying together and living in disharmony, drama, distrust and constant arguing (if that accurately describes your current situation?).

    Whichever way you decide I think that you owe it to yourself and to your children to take the steps necessary to make you happy and content with your life. You deserve to be happy and your children deserve a happy father. You can’t change your wife or the choices she makes. Only she can do that. You can only make decisions for you and change your behavior. Should you decide to separate I strongly believe that it's in the children's best interest to keep it amicable. I hope that everything turns out good for you.

    Good luck!
    Last edit by macawake on Feb 19


Top