Please this is just a vent and I am in complete rage right now!!My boyfriend of 17 years and 3 kids (7,5,2) is a complete jackass! and so is his entire family. Truly they were not raised on earth (part gypsey). They make me want to vomit 90% of the time. He is 33 and a truck driver. He has no plans of marrying me. Says I don't act right! ???!!!i After these years marriage is not in the cards. He got off work Sunday and immediately went to his uncles house 45mins from home. Stayed from 1p to 8am the next day. Left again at 12 noon returned home at 7pm only to leave again at midnight to return at 8am today. I asked to spend time with him and he chose to stay at his uncles. He gets home and nowhas to help his retarded mother move furniture. Mind you she is not helpless and constantly calls him for shtuff like he doesn't have a life. Too much to complain about this manipulating ignorant woman. I go along only to be next to him. Midst conversation, SHE'S HIS EMERGENCY CONTACT!!! What am I chop suey??? And recently I snooped, yes I snooped, in his phone only to find out he asked his cousin for a girl's number!! When confronted he said, just someone different to talk to, flirt. OMG, in raged!! He never got the number. but damn. This man is not affectionate, sex is bismul, selfish (like his moma), constantly complains about everything I do, never compliments, even when I do look pretty. We don't go out anymore (btw im 32). I say why don't we move on separately? You obviously don't love me. He says if "I didn't love you I wouldn't be with you."He's gone on the truck and still feels the need to not be around when he's off. And me, I can't wait to see him, hug, kiss, smell, and just be near him. I love him. Since I was 16. and I know we have grown apart in age and stressors but there is absolutely NO fight in him where I am concerned. Whether I'm sick, depressed, angry, happy, lonely, ANYTHING. I am not the only one that has damaged our relationship. We have stood by each other while each one of us has had a hairbrained bump in the road and we both feel OWED for it. Sorry its long, but I get it. It hurts to be right here, in this spot right now. I'm not playing innocent and there are PLENTY other things but I'm done. One day this lady won't play second fiddle anymore! Where is Dr. Phil when I need him. Sorry and thank you for letting me blow my steam.
Dec 12, '12
I think you have answered you own question......I am sorry you are going through this....but "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission"
Think about what you are teaching your children....that this behavior is ok....and it is not.
I wish you the best.
Dec 12, '12
Maybe he doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want to be stuck paying child support! Sounds like a typical jerk that many nurses put up with rather than be alone. I don't understand it, I really don't! I know too many nurses that have settled for jerks who mooch off them, use them, disrespect them and worse the poor children trapped with these men their mom can't live without. No matter if he's abusive, drinking, drugs, other women, even a case of frequenting prostitutes and putting literally into bankruptcy but won't leave and can't live without the creep! But the poor children caught in this nightmare is what bothers me the most so I'm tired of hearing about this crap!
Last edit by brandy1017 on Dec 12, '12
Dec 12, '12
Why would he go to his uncles house to spend the night? Are you sure that there isn't another woman involved? His behavior says that he's already gone. Don't give him the option, kick him to the curb. If he really wants to be with you, he will come back with a different attitude. If he doesn't, then you are better off. Don't let him treat you like that, you are the mother of his children. He needs to show some respect.
Dec 12, '12
There's an old saying: Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?
This is why some men never commit. They have all the benefits of marriage without putting forth the full level of commitment.
Dec 13, '12
Why would he change? If he's been like this for 17 years, and you've stayed with him, he sees no need to do anything differently. I understand you are venting and if it's validation you want, then you have it; he is not a good boyfriend, father or, frankly, from your description, person. The question for you is, how much longer do you want to be with Mr. Wrong? Maybe it's time for you to find Mr. Right and the happiness you deserve. Leaving will only hurt until it doesn't anymore, and then you're going to look back and wonder why you didn't do it years ago!
Dec 13, '12
Thanks, and you are you right. He does it because I allow it. I have thought alot about it. Do I analyze everything too much or am I right? Can I see us elderly and loving each other? I really don't need a partner for myself. I think I could be fine alone. The kids adore him. I don't know why. Maybe cause they miss him when he works. They can't wait to see him when he gets off. I know they will remember when they ae grown. We both came from broken families. His was much worse. I thought we could set the right example. I thought maybe I could make him want to leave or better yet just secretly save my money. When the time was right just pack up and leave one day when he leaves for work. I would have a new home, money saved, new number, etc in order just waiting. He would never expect to come home to that. He thinks I will never leave. We would be happier apart. My mom and dad were better that way too. They kept everything civil after the divorce and luckily I only saw 1 fight between them. My sisters knew my parents differently though. They are 10 and 12 yrs older than me. They said it was bad.His backwards family sit up all night drinking and talking listening to music. He lost his dad in 2003 and his uncles give him that missed attention I guess. He won't go to therapy and won't grieve. Like I said he doesn't show emotion. Happy and carefree is all he knows. He will never be the man I know he can be. He does have that potential, I've seen it. I don't have any friends that I talk to daily or hang out with so thanks for being a shoulder.
Dec 14, '12
Sweetie, it sounds like you know what to do. He is just not going to grow up. Some men are like that. I wish you luck.
Dec 16, '12
If it were just you, I would say get out. But you chose this man to be your children's father, and if the situation is tolerable, you have no right to rip their family apart. It's not about you anymore. I am sorry you were in such a hurry to act like a grownup when you were 16, but now you are stuck.
How old are your kids? Because you knew everything you know today, 15 years ago. You just chose not to see it. They love him because he is their father, and you need to stop thinking about what you want, and start thinking about what they need. The best thing for them is their mother and father, living in the same house, loving them. If that's all you have together, then it's all you have together. It has to be enough unless you are willing to sacrifice your kids on the altar of your selfishness.
Dec 16, '12
There is social science research that supports the notion that children are better off with 2 parents, even in an unhappy marriage, provided the adult relationship is still civil and respectful. Not coming home after long road trips, not showing you affection, belittling your efforts to maintain a close, loving relationship with him is not civil or respectful. Your children will learn more about self-respect by seeing you refusing to accept this treatment than they will be you staying with a man who doesn't honor his relationship with you. And like I said, once you leave this unhealthy relationship, you'll be free to look for a healthy one, which will serve your children even better! I'm not surprised that they want to stay with him even though he pays so little attention to them; shoot, even children who live in abusive homes still don't want to be removed from them! Sometimes a responsible adult needs to do not what children want, but what is best for them. This is why children don't have legal standing; they're not yet able to make those decision!
Dec 18, '12
Clearly, mercyteapot, you didn't have to live through the hell of your life being ripped apart by a parent who threw away a "good enough" relationship because of some self-involved over-romanticized idea of what she "deserved." I stand by what I said.
Dec 18, '12
And based on my experience, I have long believed that children SHOULD have some legal standing. They are the least to blame yet most impacted when their family is destroyed. Why the hell shouldn't they get some say? And then you suggest she should date after she destroys their life and their home. Yep, that's just what traumatized children need....parents so busy with their dating/sex lives that they have little attention or time for the kids they just screwed over.
Dec 19, '12
And clearly, duskyjewel, you weren't raised by two desperately unhappy parents. I suggested that she may find Mr. Right in the future, but only if she wasn't saddled with Mr. Wrong. I said nothing about neglecting her children in order to date or sleeping around. I do believe someone is projecting here.