Help me resolve my feelings about a very small engagement ring.

  1. 1
    I am engaged to be married for about a year now. I love my fiance very dearly. We have been together for a long time and gone through a lot. I have supported him mentally, physically, and now financially as he begins his training. He works a good job. We have been together for 10 years.

    My ring is less then a 0.25 carat diamond. When I went to get it resized, I inquired about buying some colored stones the lady at the jeweler stated that my ring was like a "$35 diamond." It made me tearful to hear that, because she was so flippant, as if my ring was cheap and worthless. My fiance did not want me to show him any types of rings. I pretended like I loved my ring, but have confided in a few of my friends that I am disappointed in the size and poor quality. I am always judged harshly, but many of these girls have 1-2 carat diamonds or larger.

    One of my friends was recently engaged and her stone is beautiful. Everyone was gushing over it, and even though I was happy for her, I can't help but feel jealous of her beautiful ring.

    It makes me feel selfish and materialistic, and never in the world would I imagine that I would be the girl who coveted the beautiful diamond. But it makes me feel like my fiance didn't put any time and effort into the ring he picked, and didn't want to spend his money on me. He has enough to buy me a decent stone. I am thinking of purchasing my own, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Please help me.
    chare likes this.
  2. 19 Comments so far...

  3. 7
    When my DH and I got engaged we had little money. He gave me a family heirloom. It was not even a diamond. I still cherish it. He always felt bad that he could not afford a diamond. Many years later he still felt bad and by then he could afford to purchase a solitaire that he had always wanted. I asked him not to get the solitaire as I wanted to be able to wear it all the time and did not want to scratch anyone while working. We chose a band with many diamonds.

    I always figured that the size was not as important as the thought. Your partner could have spent thousands on a ring. Instead he has supported your dreams. Others may not see that but you can. Each time you look at that small stone recall his sacrifices to get that ring. he did not need to. You have been together for years. He could have blown off an engagement ring entirely. Instead it is a token of his love that points to the fact that he is more interested in your success than being seen as a great catch because of the size of the stone. I do understand those feelings of jealousy. I think we all get a case of keeping up with the Jones, at times. Keep it in perspective, what he did not dish out for a diamond he now can contribute towards a home. One cannot sleep on a diamond.
  4. 6
    I've been married for 33 years and have never had an engagement ring. But then, I didn't marry my husband for his money, and I didn't have friends who looked down their noses at me because of my jewelry (or lack thereof), so not knowing any better, I contented myself with my simple wedding band.

    A lot depends on your priorities. Is it more important for you to have a ring commensurate with what you believe you deserve, or to spend your life with a man you know loves you? My husband could have bought me an engagement ring too, but we both preferred to spend what money we had on establishing our household and then having a memorable honeymoon. I've never regretted it either, though I sometimes look at the rocks on the fingers of other 50+ women and think about how different things might have been had I gone for the guy who could've given me such baubles. But I'll never know, and that's OK.

    Wishing you the best in whatever you decide.
  5. 5
    Quote from 0.adamantite
    I am engaged to be married for about a year now. I love my fiance very dearly. We have been together for a long time and gone through a lot. I have supported him mentally, physically, and now financially as he begins his training. He works a good job. We have been together for 10 years.

    My ring is less then a 0.25 carat diamond. When I went to get it resized, I inquired about buying some colored stones the lady at the jeweler stated that my ring was like a "$35 diamond." It made me tearful to hear that, because she was so flippant, as if my ring was cheap and worthless. My fiance did not want me to show him any types of rings. I pretended like I loved my ring, but have confided in a few of my friends that I am disappointed in the size and poor quality. I am always judged harshly, but many of these girls have 1-2 carat diamonds or larger.

    One of my friends was recently engaged and her stone is beautiful. Everyone was gushing over it, and even though I was happy for her, I can't help but feel jealous of her beautiful ring.

    It makes me feel selfish and materialistic, and never in the world would I imagine that I would be the girl who coveted the beautiful diamond. But it makes me feel like my fiance didn't put any time and effort into the ring he picked, and didn't want to spend his money on me. He has enough to buy me a decent stone. I am thinking of purchasing my own, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Please help me.
    You say that YOU have supported HIM mentally, physically and now financially and then you go on to say that "He has enough to buy me a decent stone." Which is it? You are supporting HIM as he begins his training. Then you say he has a good job. Which is it?

    I would ask you to think about your relationship with this man. If you've been the one supporting his needs all along, does he also support yours? Or did he think that the price of you continuing to support his needs was an engagement ring, and he really didn't put any effort into picking the stone and he really didn't want to spend any money on you? If that is the case, are you sure you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Or do you want to be free to find someone who will support you, cherish you and spend time, effort and money on finding you the ring of your dreams when (and if) that time comes?

    Sometimes your gut feelings -- the ones you have in the deep dark of the night when no one else is around to judge you -- are the true ones. My first husband bought me an enormous, gaudy ring for our engagement. It was something that was not my style at all, but more HIS. At the time, I secretly wondered if he'd purchased that ring for ME or if he just wanted some random wife to hang it on. I married him anyway, but to my extreme sorrow and pain, found out that my gut feelings were right. He didn't KNOW me, didn't care and was far more in love with the idea of a wedding than with the nitty gritty of marriage. We divorced.

    My second husband stated flat out that he "didn't want to waste money on rings." I said it was important to me. He wanted to know what was the smallest stone I could live with. I should have known better, but I married him anyway. Like so much else in our lives together, that ring was the least that he could get away with giving me. We divorced, but not without much pain and angst.

    I'm married now to a wonderful man who really did not have a cent to his name. He had a good job and was steadily whittling down his mountain of debt, but adding debt for a ring was unthinkable. I adored him, and I wanted him in my life no matter what. I told him (and meant it) that a ring was not important to me. It turns out that he wanted to give me that symbol of our love anyway. He went to a person he knew in the jewelry business and learned all he could about rings, stones, etc. We had an "idle conversation" about the ring of my dreams that he would buy me someday when his debt was paid off. And then he disappeared a lot -- he taught martial arts classes because, he said, he loved doing it. Turns out he had picked up a prn job doing dialysis and was putting every cent he earned into "the ring fund." He didn't make it in time for me to show off an engagement ring as we were telling everyone about our wedding plans, but I had the lovliest wedding ring I could ever imagine -- custom made by his friend the jeweler based upon the ring I'd described in our "idle conversation" about my dream ring. This man is a keeper. He loves me, honors me, cherishes and supports me now every bit as much as he did when he was secretly plotting to give me the ring I secretly longed for.

    So I'm telling you to think about the REST of your life with this man. Is this ring that isn't good enough for you a symbol of your relationship? If it is, you may want to rethink the whole matter of marriage. But if it's an aberration in a man who is otherwise caring, committed and supportive then let it go. You can always get an anniversary ring later that has all the bling you desire.
    SE_BSN_RN, imintrouble, LibraSunCNM, and 2 others like this.
  6. 3
    All good posts above. I'll only add that I never wear my ring because I'm a nurse and with all the handwashing . . . it just seems silly to wear a ring to work.

    I'm also not into jewelry at all. I don't really like wearing rings or necklaces or earrings.

    So, my ring sits in a drawer for the most part.

    You need to look deeper into if this person is willing to love you and lay down his life for you. The size of a ring doesn't prove anything.
    SE_BSN_RN, imintrouble, and sharpeimom like this.
  7. 1
    Quote from 0.adamantite
    I am engaged to be married for about a year now. I love my fiance very dearly. We have been together for a long time and gone through a lot. I have supported him mentally, physically, and now financially as he begins his training. He works a good job. We have been together for 10 years.

    My ring is less then a 0.25 carat diamond. When I went to get it resized, I inquired about buying some colored stones the lady at the jeweler stated that my ring was like a "$35 diamond." It made me tearful to hear that, because she was so flippant, as if my ring was cheap and worthless. My fiance did not want me to show him any types of rings. I pretended like I loved my ring, but have confided in a few of my friends that I am disappointed in the size and poor quality. I am always judged harshly, but many of these girls have 1-2 carat diamonds or larger.

    One of my friends was recently engaged and her stone is beautiful. Everyone was gushing over it, and even though I was happy for her, I can't help but feel jealous of her beautiful ring.

    It makes me feel selfish and materialistic, and never in the world would I imagine that I would be the girl who coveted the beautiful diamond. But it makes me feel like my fiance didn't put any time and effort into the ring he picked, and didn't want to spend his money on me. He has enough to buy me a decent stone. I am thinking of purchasing my own, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Please help me.
    ((HUGS)) I hear what you are saying......I have never had an "engagement ring" it wsn't important to me.......get a good CZ and no one will be the wiser.
    sharpeimom likes this.
  8. 4
    I will have been married for 27 years in December and have not had an engagement ring. I told my then fiancÚ that I never wanted one because I wanted a wide wedding band instead. I knew I was marrying someone who was pretty broke right then, but wouldn't always be. He was in his early thirties and had earned two PhDs, had taught in Europe for three years, while ABD with his second PhD. He traveled around Europe, Asia, and Africa on the cheap as you can only do when you're very young (I know because I did it too!) then came back and started his career as an adjunct instructor.

    I met him two and a half years later and he was just as broke. We became friends, dated, fell in love, laughed a lot, I supported him while his mom was dying and after, and we planned our future. He was a newly tenured professor when we were married. I got my coveted domed wide wedding band and he also put the down payment on our first house. My job as a psych nurse paid for some of the much needed updates on our new house, while his check paid for the mortgage and routine monthly bills.

    We have had a wonderful (not perfect) life together and I've never regretted not having an engagement ring. Not for a second. We have taken many trips abroad and around this country, bought another big old house that used to be a boarding school, foster abused cats, have two shar-pei and have rescued several special needs cats, read a lot, play cards regularly with friends, spend time with our families and lack of an engagement ring has never been a hindrance.

    It sounds to me as though you might have a few very unrealistic ideas about love and marriage. A good loving, enduring marriage depends upon many factors. As much as I love him, we disagree sometimes but don't hit below the belt when we don't see eye to eye.
    Lack of a big flashy ring isn't a consideration. I'm organized, he isn't, he's a night owl while I'm a lark, but it all works somehow.

    When you really and truly love someone and are looking forward to spending the rest of your life with that person, why make an issue out of such a superficial thing?
  9. 6
    At this point I would be happy to have a wedding band with no diamond at all, just as long as the guy putting it on my finger was of great character and personality.
  10. 5
    I've never been married, but I have always had a fondness for engagement rings that are estate pieces. Some of them don't have the large diamonds like you see today, but I like the character they have. You don't see that kind of workmanship in jewelry today.

    I would never want a man to go into hock for a ring. It would be more important to me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. The engagement ring would be way down on my list of priorities.

    A good spouse is far more to be cherished than any piece of jewelry.
  11. 4
    If you truly think he put no thought into your ring, there seems like there is something deeper going on in the relationship. How did he propose, was it special or was it oh hey we should get married here's a ring for you. Rings are expensive, even small ones. We got mine from my aunt, it was my grandmother's wedding ring and her mother's before that (I'm the oldest girl in the family and my aunt has no children); my husband still paid to have it put into a new setting and that was over $1000 and that was really really pricey for us. Did most of my friends have huge diamonds? Yes, but it was the sentimental factor and the fact that I was marrying the man I love that meant the most to me. When he proposed he didn't even have a ring, he gave me a ribbon ring my sister made for him, and he wanted to make me a lego ring, which I thought was cute. Don't worry about your ring and be happy to be marrying the man you love, if you are truly happy with each other.


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