Help me resolve my feelings about a very small engagement ring. - page 2

I am engaged to be married for about a year now. I love my fiance very dearly. We have been together for a long time and gone through a lot. I have supported him mentally, physically, and now... Read More

  1. by   seriouslyserious
    /end relationship...
  2. by   0.adamantite
    Quote from jmiraRN
    Let me first start off by saying that I do not think you are materialistic at all.

    The ring is obviously important to you. I would feel the same way. I'm very big on jewelry. I don't buy expensive purses or clothes, but I am a big jewelry person. I want a nice engagement ring, it needs to be substantial and also fit my tastes. My boyfriend knows that if he ever proposes, it needs to be a ring I would be proud of. He also knows that I would be willing to marry in a courthouse because a wedding itself is not important to me at all. Personally I would never want to spend more than $500 on a wedding, including the dress. But the ring, it's gonna be "ooh la la". Just personal preference. Some may think i'm crazy but we all have things that mean more to us than others.

    I think that you should communicate this to your fianc. If something is important to you, its worth sharing with him. Maybe he thought you were fine with any ring at all. Maybe he didn't really know of its importance to you. If $$$ was the issue with the ring, and you really want a nicer ring, I think you also should be willing to pay for some of it. Since you're already engaged the secrecy and surprise factor no longer play a role. Many jewelers are willing to give you 100% what you paid for the jewelry as a trade in towards a nicer piece.
    Thanks. My fiance works a job making about 50% of what I do but he also has MUCH less expenses. However, I am helping him pay for his career which will require about $4,000 in start up equipment, which he doesn't have saved. So that is why I said he could afford a nicer ring, and that I am also supporting him financially.

    I guess this post sums it up. I don't want a wedding, want to go to the courthouse, and am not at all someone to go on shopping sprees. My most expensive purse probably cost $40 from JC Penny's. I shop clearance sales. I live minimally. Right now I am wearing a $4 shirt from Target and $9 yoga pants.

    But there are a few things I would want to invest into, and a beautiful ring that would last a lifetime would be one of them. I can tell that my current ring is cheap, will be scuffed/scratched, and on top of it causes me an allergy.

    I am all for buying my own jewelry, but multiple people have advised me that he might see this as offensive.
  3. by   Wrench Party
    Meh, it's a ring. Most people never question my lack of a ring when I tell folks I'm engaged. What's the point of something
    that will impede my ability to do my work as a nurse?

    I would never, ever want my fiance to go shopping for any ring for me either- he's great at picking out guns and trucks, jewelry, not
    so much.
  4. by   duskyjewel
    Have you had an honest conversation with HIM about this? If not, why not?

    If you can't talk to him about this, then you should not marry him. Your spouse needs to be the one person you can talk to about ANYTHING. No, it won't always be pleasant. Yes, there will be defensiveness, hurt feelings, even fighting sometimes. But you can't be afraid of that. If your relationship can't survive having that kind of conversation, then it's not marriage material.

    If you can't talk to him about this, how will you get through job losses, family deaths, financial crises, or parenting challenges together?

    Also, you've been together ten years and not gotten married before this. Why is that? To my mind, if you've been with a man more than a year and half and he hasn't proposed, it's time to stop wasting your time. So does he really want to get married?

    For that matter, do you?
  5. by   heron
    Would it help to know that the idea of diamonds=love started with the de Beers advertising campaign in the 1930's? This was the beginning of the "diamonds are forever" schtick and was a reaction by the company to a worldwide decline in diamond prices.
    Through advertising, men were convinced that the size of the diamond in an engagement ring showed how much they loved their fiance. Movie stars were shown wearing diamonds in the relatively new motion pictures. And the most effective piece of advertising came in 1947, with the creation of the tag line "A diamond is forever." This later become the company's official motto.
    As a result of these campaigns, the number of brides receiving engagement rings, and diamond prices in the U.S., increased dramatically.

    Read more: The History Of De Beers And Diamonds - Business Insider

    ETA: a bit more history:

    Historically, the uses of rings were for "betrothal" reasons such as for the Romans, as it did not always signify marriage. In fact, rings were a sign of affection or friendship. The history of engagement rings first originated in 1215, when Pope Innocent III established a waiting period between the promise of marriage, and the actual marriage ceremony. The rings then signified the couple's devotion to one another in that period of time. During that period, engagement rings often represented one's social rank as only the rich were allowed to own or wear rings with jewels.

    Before the 20th century, other types of betrothal gifts were common. Near the end of the 19th century, it was typical for the bride-to-be to receive a sewing thimble rather than an engagement ring.[1] This practice was particularly common among religious groups that shunned jewelry (plain people). Engagement rings did not become standard in the West until the end of the 19th century, and diamond rings did not become common until in the 1930s in the United States, as a result of an extensive nationwide marketing campaign by the diamond industry. The phenomenon arose even later in other countries.[1] Now, 80% of American women are offered a diamond ring to signify engagement.[1]
    Last edit by heron on Nov 2, '13
  6. by   Spidey's mom
    Heron - those are great links!!

    I'm not a fan of jewelry at all.

    Duskyjewel brings up some more important and interesting items in the OP's posts. She's with someone for 10 years and no wedding? She's helping him pay for school? With no real commitment? That rings warning bells to me.
  7. by   imintrouble
    I vote for the OP buying herself a big expensive ring to wear on any finger but the 4th on the left.
    As others have pointed out, the size of the diamond is no indicator of love and devotion.
  8. by   Layla_110
    OP I understand and there are 3 scenarios that you have to work through to get your answer with your feelings.

    Personally, I have been married for 26 years, and we did not arrive at 26 years with always smooth sailing on calm seas. A good marriage does not arrive at any destination without a gale or a rough sea and you must take care of the boat while upon the oceans and in harbour to make sure it is a successful journey what direction you may go. My husband and I have endured, job loss, sickness, death of family, disagreements over some things but try to respect each other's opinion, but the one thing that has held up, is our care, devotion and love for one another.

    You are not selfish nor someone who is coveting. This is not about anyone else's diamond, I do know what this is about. You do not have to explain what you have done but you did and it indicates that you have taken care of him, you have put everything on the line for him, to lift him up and make sure he can in the future have a good job to take care of you and your children ( if you plan on having any). This is about his thoughtfulness, not ring size. If he had pounded the pavement and worked all he could to get you the same size ring, you would see the value in it. It isn't about the earthly value of a ring, it is about how much you are to him, your value, your worth in his eyes. We know the expectations already of who we are with as far as affordability and it is unrealistic if anyone thinks that a poor man can afford an expensive ring but we also know that someone who works hard, saves his money can buy a decent size ring.

    He is your King and you want him to see you as his Queen, to be cared for, seen as worthy, loved and adored. Rings don't indicate that but what goes behind does.
    Your heart is about him seeing the worth of who you are, his mate, the sacrifice that you give for him and you want him to be the same way.

    I don't know if you have ever heard or read the story of Jacob and Rachel. It is found in the old testament. Jacob was in love with a woman named Rachel at first sight. He worked 7 years for her father, tending his sheep due to he had nothing else to give her. In those 7 years, it flew by and from there his love for her deepened approaching their wedding day. In the end he worked another 7 because he loved Rachel, even after enduring deceit from her father. We want a man who will put it all on the line, work for us , give everything they are to us emotionally, we want everything done in the name of love and devotion, just as Jacob loved Rachel. Some people do not marry for the intention of all for love but more of an attachement, money, pride, visibility and even political.

    The story of Jacob and Rachel does go on to include Leah who he married unbeknownst to him out of deceit and he did not know till he woke up the next day, in it, he did not love her and we can see in the course of the story how his lack of love, his forced marriage, he did not care for her as a husband should for a wife. That though is another story to examine but in that , you can take away what real love does and what forced, opportunistic situations does in a relationship making for an unhealthy relationship to begin with.

    To you , if you see that he cared only to get what he needed instead of giving you the best at what he could afford, you need to examine the kind of person he is. Is he there really for you, or the opportunity, for you to work for him and not for him to work for you too? 2nd Some men are just not thoughtful, have no romantic or sentimental value to things, not in touch with your feelings of symbolism in your relationship or your feelings of loving the tradition of engagement and the value of that. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, sometimes men need to be taught that and if they did not have a raising where he was explained how to do that, well then he wouldn't know. My step dad did not understand that. He would buy house shoes at Sears the day after christmas and give them as a present to my mother. My mother would even know what he would get her. She still loved him and knew it came from his heart. It took her a few years of showing him the things she liked, how important birthdays, their anniversaries were to her and he finally got it with buying her roses or something with a sentimental attachment. The most precious was a bench with 2 squirrels carved into the bench that are loving embracing. To this day, I still hold that as one of the most precious gifts he ever gave my mother and my mother will never part with it. 3rd If you feel this is from his heart, then I know you would see the value of what he did and how much effort and sacrifice he put into buying the ring.

    It's up to you to decide on the value of the ring based on his intention. I believe I know and you know too. Remember you are more precious than diamonds or gold. Look at your life and how well he treats you, is the ring an extension of how he treats you? Best wishes.

  9. by   compassionresearcher
    What ended up happening with this? Did you tell him? Did you marry him?
  10. by   Purple_roses
    Have you thought about not having a diamond? Diamonds are so common and there's a surplus of them. They're priced far above what they're actually worth. However, if you get a different stone (I love morganites; they're anywhere from light pink to peach usually), it will cost less, the stone will be larger, and the amount you pay for it will actually be fairer for what the stone is actually worth.
  11. by   Ruby Vee
    Quote from Purple_roses
    Have you thought about not having a diamond? Diamonds are so common and there's a surplus of them. They're priced far above what they're actually worth. However, if you get a different stone (I love morganites; they're anywhere from light pink to peach usually), it will cost less, the stone will be larger, and the amount you pay for it will actually be fairer for what the stone is actually worth.
    My guess is that in the past four years, the size of the diamond issue has become a moot point.
  12. by   Purple_roses
    Quote from Ruby Vee
    My guess is that in the past four years, the size of the diamond issue has become a moot point.
    You would think by now I would learn to read the dates on these posts
  13. by   ElvishDNP
    Last edit by ElvishDNP on May 13, '17 : Reason: realized this is a 4yo thread