Help me overcome my feelings about my wife's choosen profession.
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This is a discussion on Help me overcome my feelings about my wife's choosen profession. in Dating / Relationships, part of Family Central ... I have read many posts from husbands and/or boyfriends that have issues with their wife giving bed...
by hmillercrew Sep 20, '12I have read many posts from husbands and/or boyfriends that have issues with their wife giving bed baths and other direct patient care that requires her to touch/handle the patient's penis. However, I continue to have difficulty overcoming my negative feelings about her viewing and/or coming into contact with another man's penis.
I will offer this as background to our relationship. We have been married for 22 years and, I think, we have a very solid relationship. About four years ago, she decided to go into nursing. She really loves her job and is an excellent care giver. I am an educated professional and she has always been supportive of me. So, I truly need some advice on overcoming my feelings.
Most of the threads I have read make me feel like an immature idiot, but are not helpful in giving any useful suggestions on overcoming the feelings I am having. I have also researched such things as bed baths, Foley insertion and foreskin retraction to better understand what it is she does. I know there is nothing glamorous or sexual about these procedures.
So, here are my issues. I feel saddened, upset and jealous when she provides direct patient care to another man. At times, these feelings and the mental image of her having direct contact with the patient's penis, interfere with my ability to be intimate with her. What conversations have others had with their spouses so that everyone is comfortable?
I would be happy to answer any questions you have and appreciate any advice given.
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Sep 20, '12 by RockinChick66Wow. I can only tell u that we don't do it every day. I work on a medsurg floor in large hospital. It's been weeks if not months since I've put in a foley for a man. If I do foley or peri care, I keep it covered as much as possible. Sorry u feel like this. You really shouldn't worry about it, but I know your feelings are prob very valid. I wonder if my husband feels this way. I'm going to ask him. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.LockportRN and Fiona59 like this. -
Sep 20, '12 by RNewbieWhat has your wife said about how you feel? I can tell you that there is nothing sexual about that kind of stuff. Most facilities have nursing assistants for baths. Pts who can move their arms wash themselves off. The ones who are younger but can't move their arms (let's say they broke both arms in car accident), they usually have a significant other that they prefer to do it. The only male pts I ever end up giving baths to are lil old men who are very sick and have no family. The foley insertion thing is just something that has to be done sometimes. It's nothing sexual for the pt or the nurse. Most pts that need them have them placed in surgery or the emergency room.Fiona59 likes this. - Sep 20, '12 by MulanI would suggest talking to a psychiatrist or a psychologist or contacting the Dr Phil site.
We cannot help you here.Last edit by Esme12 on Sep 20, '12 : Reason: TOS/diversive - Asst. Admin
Sep 20, '12 by Esme12Welcome to AN! The largest online nursing community!
Have you spoken to your wife about this? Have you spoken to your PCP or priest/pastor or sought religious guidance about your feelings? Maybe a counselor?
Nurses do care for both male and female patients. We deal with the human anatomy in the most matter of fact manner and are usually so concentrated on the task that the anatomy is no the focus. We may not have the necessity to have contact with all parts of the human body but it is not apart of everyday.
Dealing with the male anatomy in performing out duties is strictly professional and is NEVER considered sexual nor inappropriate at anytime. A majority of male patient requiring in a med surg setting that require foley inserting is usually limited to an elderly population. Nurses also do not tolerate inappropriate behavior by their patients....male or female.
The contact with patients is never considered anything but professional and a necessary part of the job even as we perform some procedures on some very personal areas. The actual performance of these tasks are actually an infinitesimal part of the position that it is just another task that needs to be complete in order to move on to our other, more pressing, responsibilities.
I mean this in the best way possible..........You need to seek some counseling/guidance to explore how and why this disturbs you so...what is it about this that you are feeling insecure and jealous? Is this apart of your religious teachings that women shouldn't view the male anatomy? You need to seek answers why you feel this way for.....trust me when I say this.....it never occurs to your wife that you feel threatened in this way for it is just a part of the job.
I am not sure we can give you the guidance that you seek for we are not counselors nor can we give any medical advice as per the Terms of Service.....but I strongly suggest that you seek some qualified outside counseling for it is affecting your marriage.
I wish you the best. - Sep 20, '12 by hmillercrewThank you for your time in commenting.
Rockin, I would be interested in what your husband has to say. Perhaps he has a perspective that would be helpful to me.
RNewbie, we have had numerous conversations about this issue. She works on the medsurg floor of her hospital so this issue is not an everyday occurrence. However, she recently provided care for an elderly gentleman who was to weak to clean himself and his wife refused to help. The patient expressed his discomfort with her providing a bed bath, but did not specifically refuse. I suppose my conversation with her got off to a bad start when I pointed out that when a man says he is uncomfortable that is his way of refusing. I also upset her when I suggested she should have stopped and found out whether the patient would be more comfortable with a male nurse/aid completing the wash up. When I say I upset her, she cried and felt horrible (like she had violated her patient). Of course her feelings were ridiculous and I was out of line for making her feel that way.
The issue arose when she didn't explain anything else about what happened. In the past, she has always answered any questions I have. However, she has also told me she feels like she is being deposed. I am sure my questioning can seem that way as that is how I have been trained. As a result, I try to listen to her talk about her day and not ask questions. Anyway, in this last conversation she left out the patient was uncircumcised and so the peri care was a bit more involved. This only further added to my feelings because I felt like she was hiding something about what happened. So, I was left with my imagination about the situation. She usually cries because she does not want this to come between us. She reassures me that there is nothing sexual for her or the patient. She claims it is just another body part. My response has been something like: Well it isn't just another body part or you wouldn't be uncomfortable talking to me about it. You tell me about the gross toe nails on the bunyan repair... etc. She often talks about finding a different job and I have suggested she look into the maternity, labor/delivery area. Because she really loves her job I am not sure that is fair to her. Plus I have heard those jobs are really hard to come by. -
Sep 20, '12 by Sun0408Esme12 gave you some great information so I wont be all proper with what I'm about to type. Look at a hand, look at someones hand in the grocery store, etc.. That is how I see any body part, buttocks, breast, vagina and yes even a penis. It's another body part, it is just like a hand or arm or leg, nothing impressive or sexual about it. Washing any body is like washing a face, I don't see it as anything more than a task, like taking the trash out or washing the dishes.. If I am washing someone, they are too sick to do it themselves and many times it is the elderly or badly injuries trauma pt.
You must understand, these people are sick. Not everyone gets a foley, not everyone gets a bedbath. The able bodied wash themselves and if a foley is needed its because they can't use the urinal or go to the bathroom themselves. - Sep 20, '12 by Sun0408You need to grow up and stop making her feel bad because you are insecure/jealous. She avoids topics that make you feel bad and then you turn it on her and make her cry. That is soo not right. I hope you find peace for her sake. Nursing is stressful enough.
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Sep 20, '12 by edmiaQuote from hmillercrewYou have serious issues. I wish your wife the clarity to keep herself sane while you're going off on her for doing her job. She feels deposed? This alone should clue you in to the fact that you are an overbearing, controlling man. Your words sound very demeaning and maybe your wife cries because of how you treat her and not because of her job.Thank you for your time in commenting.
Rockin, I would be interested in what your husband has to say. Perhaps he has a perspective that would be helpful to me.
RNewbie, we have had numerous conversations about this issue. She works on the medsurg floor of her hospital so this issue is not an everyday occurrence. However, she recently provided care for an elderly gentleman who was to weak to clean himself and his wife refused to help. The patient expressed his discomfort with her providing a bed bath, but did not specifically refuse. I suppose my conversation with her got off to a bad start when I pointed out that when a man says he is uncomfortable that is his way of refusing. I also upset her when I suggested she should have stopped and found out whether the patient would be more comfortable with a male nurse/aid completing the wash up. When I say I upset her, she cried and felt horrible (like she had violated her patient). Of course her feelings were ridiculous and I was out of line for making her feel that way.
The issue arose when she didn't explain anything else about what happened. In the past, she has always answered any questions I have. However, she has also told me she feels like she is being deposed. I am sure my questioning can seem that way as that is how I have been trained. As a result, I try to listen to her talk about her day and not ask questions. Anyway, in this last conversation she left out the patient was uncircumcised and so the peri care was a bit more involved. This only further added to my feelings because I felt like she was hiding something about what happened. So, I was left with my imagination about the situation. She usually cries because she does not want this to come between us. She reassures me that there is nothing sexual for her or the patient. She claims it is just another body part. My response has been something like: Well it isn't just another body part or you wouldn't be uncomfortable talking to me about it. You tell me about the gross toe nails on the bunyan repair... etc. She often talks about finding a different job and I have suggested she look into the maternity, labor/delivery area. Because she really loves her job I am not sure that is fair to her. Plus I have heard those jobs are really hard to come by.
Get some professional help for both your sakes.
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