No, you're not the only 50-something who approaches the holidays with trepidation. So much is expected of us---we're the gift-givers, the party-makers, the ones who make the holidays happen. With all that busy-ness plus the day-to-day slog of working, eating, sleeping, and paying bills, it's no wonder we get worn out.
I also think that the older we women get, the more we miss the people who made the holidays of our youth so memorable. I know I miss my folks more and more with every Christmas, and they've been gone for many, many years. In fact, my Christmas tree this year is all about sentimentality. I have the few ornaments from my childhood on there---some of which are at least as old as I am---as well as ALL of the ones my now-grown children made, the ornaments that represent each of them as well as the grandkids, even ones from the places where I've worked. And this year, I noticed that my 31-year-old daughter has learned to appreciate them as well.
But, I digress. I am concerned about you because now you're associating Christmastime with the losses of your parents, which is completely understandable. I also don't know if you have SAD, which could be another complication. I know it's very soon after losing your father, but have you spoken with your doctor or a grief counselor? If not, please take the time to do so.....any relief will not likely come in time for this holiday season, but perhaps you won't have to live under this cloud for the rest of your life.
Meanwhile, please don't feel you have to maintain family holiday traditions on your own. I think perhaps you AND your loved ones need the familiarity of it, but they should also help.......you can't be expected to do it all. And if it's too much effort even with help, don't do it---you don't need more stress on top of all you've been through.
Sending you my sympathies and good thoughts. And once again, (((HUGS)))